My mind is in a free-falling state, foggy thoughts and everything in between. I don’t know what to do most of the time but eat and sleep routine make me suffocated. So I decided to brace myself and write a memoir of my loss sooner than later. I have to face the world eventually and I don’t want to be the queen of sorrow forever.
I saw a fetal-maternal specialist in a private hospital as well as a gynae in public hospital. I met the Drs alternately so that makes the check-ups quite frequent every 2 weeks. Every prenatal check-up was fine and dandy. Babies are active, their growth are awesome, no TTTS sign until…
17 May 2014 – 19wks pregnant. I had discharge with a little blood stain. If I can recall, I’ve been having vaginal discharge heavier than in 1st trimester since I was 4 months pregnant. I thought it was perfectly normal since no foul smell no itch. The moment I had the blood stain, I didn’t panicked I told myself perhaps my uterus is expanding further and some blood vessel on my cervix burst or what not. I was in Seremban then attending a relative kenduri. Went back home to KL in the evening. There were no pain/cramping on lower abdomen except the back pain near my spine due to my scoliosis.
18 May 2014 – I monitor the discharge today for spotting sign. Early morning I went to Mid Valley for MamyBaby Expo with my friends. Not for a shopping spree yet but just surveying baby stuffs. It was damn crowded but luckily I survived the trip. Collected diapers sample, bought two sets of cot mobile and two nursing blouse for myself. In between, the back pain attacked again as expected but I had my deep heat rub and salonpas as temporary pain relief. Went home after lunch. Checked my panty liner and shocked to see more blood stain, brighter than yesterday. Since today is Sunday, I will go to see my Dr tomorrow morning. Still no pain/cramping in lower abdomen. I can still feel the babies movement at night. Hubby already went to Kuantan for work for a week.
19 May 2014 – Woke up and checked panty liner, no spotting. I thought of going to work but hubby insist I see the Dr. This morning I started to feel a little cramping in lower abdomen. Strange. Like period pain. I never had this pain since I was pregnant. All the while, the stretching pain I felt was higher up i.e. ligament stretching. Still I didn’t suspect anything. Drove myself to the hospital and met my Dr around 10.30am. He was not so concerned when I told him about the discharge and just explained to me about the risk of preterm labour in twins then he happily scan my tummy. Both babies were active and no scare sign to worry about until he wanted to measure Twin 1 head, he couldn’t see the head as his joystick already reached low down on my pubic area. I just kept quiet. He moved on to scan me vaginally. I didn’t know what he was looking for but he was so silent too. Finally he said my cervix is already very thin only 9mm and I was already 2cm dilated. Done in the scanning room, I sat in front of him clueless, bracing myself to hear the worst that could happen from his mouth. “I have to get you admitted” and I whisper “What..?” . He said the risk of preterm labor is very high in twins pregnancy and he did not expect this to happen to me very early at 19 weeks. The best he can do is to keep me in the ward and wait for the birth of my babies. And the worst thing is when the babies come out, it is considered a miscarriage and not even NICU can help to save them. Survival starts at least 24 weeks out of womb. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t cry, I felt all my hope is crumbling down on me, I didn’t go to see him to get warded, I did not foresee all this coming at all and dealing with this alone…within minutes I was pushed on a wheelchair to the ward at 11am. I cried for help when I called my husband. He will be making his way down to KL from Kuantan today. I called my sis-in-law and parents-in-law. They quickly tried to make their way to the hospital asap.
On the bed, I kept praying that my babies don’t come out. I speak to them please please help mommy. In between the cramping is getting intense and I know that is a contraction sign already. I could not stop it. I was hopeless. Come 4pm, my water broke spontaneously and I know that is the end of it..I lost my babies..I was quickly rushed to the labour room. Since my hubby is still on his way from Kuantan (via bus because he car-pooled when he went yesterday), so my mother-in-law accompanied me in the labour room. I was left to feel the contraction pain until I am ready to deliver my babies out. Contraction was getting more frequent and intense I could hardly breath. I didn’t prepare for this at all but I was forced to face it anyway..the nurse asked if I wanted pain killer jab pethidine but I refused..since I was already in so much pain, I determined to go through this labour pain naturally. I inhaled ethonox gas when the pain is unbearable and to tone my voice down when I screamed. After a few deep breath-in and pushing, twin 1 came out at 6.50pm. Bared for the next wave of contractions and later twin 2 came out at 7.13pm. Not done yet..bared for another wave of contractions to deliver the placenta. In order to avoid D&C just to deliver the placenta, I was fighting with the pain and screamed until it completely came out. My mil witness the whole labor process and she told me how my babies spent their last few breaths in this world. After I gather myself, I asked to see my babies and the nurse put two trays on my chest. They were two beautiful sons with every outer organs fully developed but I can only let them gasped and leave this world. My husband finally arrived and no words can describe how shattered our hearts seeing our little angels. We named them twin 1-Adam Rafa @ 328gm and twin 2-Adam Rayyan @ 298gm.
20 May 2014 – My babies were given the final respect to be cleaned and prepared for burial at the hospital mortuary where I gave them the final kiss. They both were safely buried in Batu Muda, Sentul. Back to the ward, my temperature has stabled and I passed few globs of blood clots already. I was allowed to be discharged in the afternoon. Back home, we quickly packed our things to go to Seremban so my mil can take care of me for confinement. My house was in a mess because we planned to renovate the house in one week time. We wanted to renovate to welcome our precious babies but it all ended too soon..it was the saddest and loneliest moment in my life. I couldn’t hold my tears the moment I reached home. Glad that hubby was besides me and gave me some strength.
21 May 2014 – Started my confinement routine where I was given 3-day after-birth massage and traditional treatment. Hubby continue his work in Kuantan the next day and will be back on 24th. It was bored to death during confinement when you don’t have your babies to attend to and I don’t intend to continue confinement strictly after the massage completed. I will just continue my pills and eat drink wisely.
25 May 2014 – I decided to follow hubby back to KL. Back home, that feeling surrounded me again. It felt so real..the thought that that is the sofa where I last sat, the bed where I last slept, the car where I last drove etc etc when I still carry them in my tummy and before I gave birth to my babies. I couldn’t hold my tears whenever I was alone and no one’s watching. I know I am still in grieving phase. This was so hard. I hope the house renovation can take some of my focus away from this grieve.
26 May 2014 – House renovation starts today. This is where I am running away from the noise and writing this. After all that happened, I understand that life must go on though I will never forget the life inside me that was lost. The question of trying for a baby again definitely valid but there are a few things that I want to focus on before embarking on FET.
These are some of my move-on list:
– Treat my scoliosis. I presume I have scoliosis during this pregnancy because I remember an old xray showed my spine was not straight, my hips are not aligned and this condition become worse when I was pregnant especially come to 2nd trimester. I had sharp pain back pain on a particular spot near my spine. It was not properly diagnosed though. So I plan to see an orthopedic specialist or chiropractor.
– Continue my fitness routine – jog/walk in the park and enrol in yoga class. I plan to join yoga class at Upward by Ninie Ahmad.
– Enrol in art class – I started paint-it-yourself painting kit during my 2ww. Managed to finish one painting and another painting not yet. Since I have plenty of time now and no pregnancy hormone, I wish to paint more seriously. I’m thinking of signing up with The Studio @ KL.
– Do Lasik eye surgery. I thought of doing this before I gave birth but apparently you can’t do this procedure during pregnancy until 6 months after stop breastfeeding. So this is the best time to treat my blindness before we embark on the baby making journey again.
Dealing with this grieve..
The followings have somewhat helped me go through this grieving phase:
– Listen to zikir terapi diri by Hafiz Hamidun. I love all the zikir in both albums. Play it during my sleep, in the car
– Watched “Return to Zero” movie. This movie were debut at the right timing. It is also aired in Astro Lifetime channel 709 now. I have watched it, recorded it and ordered the DVD online. It is a story about a couple dealing with stillbirth.
– Read “Little Big Love” book. Well I am going to read the book. I just ordered it directly from an Australian publisher as the book is not available in Malaysian bookstores. This book shared about pregnancy and infant loss.
Come to the most critical question, what if I become pregnant again, can something be done to prevent what I have went through ? Overcoming the fear is even more daunting than becoming pregnant again. The Dr diagnosed me with having incompetent cervix. Hence, when I get pregnant again, he suggested to do cervical cerclage at 12 weeks and continue with progesterone support until 34 weeks. Ok I am fine with his suggestion. It makes sense. We as human will try to do our best but we do not have the power to control everything according to our wish. The rest we’ll have to just leave it to the God. As long as God wills it, we will not give up on the hope of bringing our own babies alive into this world. Amin.
Now I feel a little bit better after pouring all the stories. Maybe returning to work is gonna be another deal for me. I hope I will be able to cope well. I apologise in advance to anyone who knows me and what happened to me, if I don’t respond favorably to all your questions, I hope you’ll find the answers in my stories above.
Conceivably Possible 